Cursed with empathy

It was already our second lesson based on Steve Jobs speech.  My students just adore it. It seems to me that they can go on and on for hours discussing his statements and the way he put everything in beautifully clear way. I draw their attention to the quotation where he`s saying about that you don`t have to live life   other people want you to live. That you have to belong to yourself. And then was a question: How do you think how many percent of your life really belongs to you? And there it was… Confessions, confessions, confessions…In the end of course they asked me and I let them to guess.

100%

Seriously they told me that they assume that my life belongs to me for a 100%. I couldn`t tell them that it`s totally wrong. I have no right. I have to be cheerful, wise and easy-going. It`s not a psychological session and they are not my therapists. But I went home with this bitter taste of lie on my lips. I am wondering is not saying all truth can be considered as a lie? What is the most important to be honest or not to disappoint people that you care about?

Am I responsible for the impression that I leave on other people?I hate myself. As always. Today a little bit harder. I`ve never belong to myself, I was always possessed by other.

I am succubus. That`s for sure. I was always like that for the guys I met in my life. You`re just have to formulate your order in the right way. And here I am. Your perfect girlfriend. With all these things that you like. And of course you don`t have to care about that it`s really like that or not.

I just constantly have this impression that people create me. They make assumptions and I follow them just because somewhere deep inside me there`s this disgusting fear of making someone upset. I guess my mom cultivated it in me and condemn me for the life I live now.

My best friend told me that if I were with the others just the way I am with her it would be honest and totally right. But even she has no idea that t she created me as many other people did before. I am constantly fighting myself, I  destroy the castle of my own dreams and  built a skyscraper of other people expectations. Cause it`s easier  and safe and cause I have no idea whom I truly am. And what I really want.

I am cursed with empathy. It`s a present from my childhood frustrations. It take me second to get the person, to understand what he`s feeling right now, what he really wants and quickly make a conclusion what should I say and do. I never complain. I easily adjust myself to pretty much any situation. It`s a gift and curse at the same time. Cause somewhere inside me there`s this silent emptiness of lost identity that hurts so much. It`s hard to be nothing and everything at same time, die and revive every single day. Well, this is my identity. I am succubus.

P.S.  

So I  really want to thank Varun for the great idea of this blog and Emma for offering me to take part in it.

It was truly awesome. It was an experience. For sure.

Thank you so much for living with me in my country of Wasteland. 

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