As many people on our planet he wasn`t prepared for that and had no idea that it will happen today.

 

 

It always happens like that. First it`s just a sound of voice like a thunderstorm that appears from nowhere and then the dark cloud of words convey a meaning. And then this heavy perception hits you.At first you don`t feel anything. You have this foolish impression that you`ll deal with that even despite the fact that it`s really sad and tragical. I am still not sure what is worth a real or virtual death, but it just turned that way that I am faced with both of them.

Today my uncle died. As many people on our planet he wasn`t prepared for that and had no idea that it will happen today. Neither am I. And now this deep dark feeling of guilt wrapping me in a black-night blanket of depression that will not go away for a long time. I know it. I feel it. If I have an opportunity to exaggerate my fault I do it right away.He was constantly looking forward to stay in touch with me. Every time we met in Saint Petersburg he was telling me that I am obligated to visit him in Germany. Though I`ve never done that. I thought I have time to do it later. I thought it can wait.

It`s pathetic. I know. To go on and on about the death and it`s issues. But it pierces me so hard. And here am I lying on the floor surrounded by all these endless questions. What if? Should I? Why? How can I possibly separate the very important things in my life that I have to put my attention on and just things that can wait? What if nothing can really wait?

What if my life looks like a giant railway station and there`re all these things that must be done and  all these opportunities that have to be taken like a trains that depart all at the same time. So I have to pick only one train and only one destination. But I am standing still and have no clue which one should it be.

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