A brand new cutting board.

Let`s start it in quite well-trodden way. It`s snowing! It`s finally snowing. And that just mean that all this tempting and illusive love story of fall is over. It`s a brand new white cutting board where I can dissect my feelings once more time. I am coming back home through this slushy, grey and gloomy streets and watching it all getting covered with the snow. My dear Universe, do I really deserve that much of joy and happiness?

I would love to share these pudgy winter feelings with him. But I can`t. Cause he`s dead. And what I hate the most is that he`s dead only for me. For all his not numerous friends and his permanent girl-friend and even for his mom that he hates so much he`s alive and accessible 24/7. But he decided to cross out himself from dark novel of  my life. How could  he possibly dared to think about that? Does main character are capable of doing so? Does he even have right for that?

When I am looking back on our past this is the most craziest thing I would ever imagine. I guess this is the most common mistake to think that one particular  person in your life will be always right there for you, that he`s existence undoubtedly stable.

He was my first hero. First in any  possible meanings. It happened in pretty much same night as today. We`ve been talking over chat for the last three months and he`d never offered to catch up. But that night when I told him that I am dying out of tooth pain and really close to killing myself, since I am really afraid of dentists and have no  idea how I can solve this problem without a visit to a doctor, he proposed to come and bring me pills.

Despite  the fact that it was really late and the district where I lived wasn`t safe at all, he made it and then it`s all started. I guess it`s not hard to impress blate and sheepish 17-years-old girl. But it`s hard to be a hero    every day of the  life doing quite ordinary things. And he was. Every single moment. He was my hero, my teacher, my best friend, my lover, my husband, my creator and my executioner. He groomed me as a loving man can groom a puppy, he raised me as a lonely old lady can raised  a sunflower, with his unbelievable persistence he taught me how to speak in appropriate way and did everything to fight my bad habits.

And now I am like Frankenstein without creator knock about the world with now opportunity to get back and to be fixed and to be loved and respected.I even still have the list of his rules that he wrote to me in our first half of year. He told me that if I would follow them, everything will be alright.

But I guess I did something wrong, I crossed this line, I broke those rules. And  now I am standing in front of his nonexistent grave  and watch how snow is erasing the traces of my past.

It`s snowing! It`s finally snowing. It`s a brand new white cutting board where I can dissect my feelings once more time.