“Will it ever be over?” or Welcome to the Wasteland
And here am I…
…like a character from computer games choosing my look while standing in front of the mirror. Black skirt, black sweater, black tights, black shoes, black hair and of course black long jacket. Am I a dark princess living in my dark gothic reality or just a person who has lost everything? Am I a self-confident sombre winner who doesn`t need anyone or just a betrayed little girl who`s trying to hide her confusion in oversized black-night outfit?
7 minutes on foot to the tram stop. I have already lost the count of lives which I`ve been living for the last several years. 10 minutes to wait for the tram. Will it ever be over? This everlasting race from nowhere to nowhere. From one person to another, from one city to the other. This exhausting change of places, time zones and numerous ridiculous attempts of self-improvement or rather self-destruction.
It shouldn`t be the way it is right now. It was a completely different script. I read it. I promise it meant to be an absolutely another life. But the tram doors are opened and I just have to get it in.
Szczecin a north-west town of Poland (which is really more German than Polish) is famous for it`s enormous cemetery, which is the third biggest cemetery in the whole Europe. Just a historical fact that I knew before but…. Could I ever imagine than every day I will spend the half of my way to work sitting by the tram window and contemplate thousands of gravestones passing by. Well technically it`s me who`s passing by, but I just constantly have this feeling that I am tightly glued to a certain place and everything is spinning around me. How possibly could it go so wrongly so tragically out of control?
Hi, there! This is me a girl without a future, who doesn`t believe in the present and everything that she has ever possessed was her own improbable delightful past. How come it could be the way that everything what happened a couple of years, months, days or even hours ago seems so perfect, so unbelievably awesome and everything which is going right now or any kind of upcoming things seem so hopeless, so dreadfully out of sense? Do I belong to this type of people who`s permanently complaining, grieving over their lives?
Actually, I guess I do not… No matter what`s going on with my life I take it as another level of this weird computer game that I have to get through. And now I am just drifting between the realities and I am not sure yet whether I wanna linger on my ‘happy endless love story’ or I`d rather ready to move on.
Of course. What else can you expect from quite a dull-witted girl entirely focused on her own feelings?
So yeah… you can take it as an introduction to the whole week I am going to contribute to this amazing project that I personally adore. Please don`t expect thoughtful and meaningful articles full of fascinating facts. It`s rather one way road to the country of Wasteland where I`m inescapably moving to.
It seems to me that I prefer to be broken-hearted cause I have no other explanation to this sob endless love stories that I`ve been through. And it seems to me that I discovered a solution for keeping me positively thinking and away from possible suicide attempts. My personal philosophy is based on the belief that every single person I met and was in a relationship with is an entrance to a completely different life to live. And every time by the end of the relationship I die. Morally, physically, mentally. And the very next day I wake up like a new-born ready to be smashed by the next upcoming avalanche of feelings.
Will it ever be over?