Existential Thoughts Of A Pervert

“Censorship reflects society’s lack of confidence in itself.”
— Thankfully Anonymous

On my way to have a nice lunch at 1:45 in the afternoon, and I bumped into a guy wearing a T-shirt that read: “Men exist only because vibrators can’t buy drinks.”

It got me thinking. Here’s a list, fresh from the deepest, most pervert recesses my brain, that outlines some interesting facts about men, women and everyone in between.

(Not to be read by people under 18 without parental guidance. A dictionary may be required for some. Innocent, god-fearing men and women who believe in chastity until marriage and who cringe when someone uses the word ‘Fuck’, please click on the red button marked X on the top right-hand-corner of your browsers and save yourselves a lot of hassle.)

  1. Love is an evil trick that nature plays on people to get them to breed. Love is also an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
  2. For men who have just been ditched: The best way to get over a girl is to get under a new one.
  3. Adolescence is the stage between puberty and adultery.
  4. Kinky is using a feather — Perverted is using the whole chicken.
  5. Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as “that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis”. When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled “All Men Are Idiots”. Then she will get on with her life.
    A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, “I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But I want you to know there’s always a chance for us”. This is known as the “I Hate You/I Love You” drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
  6. Sex: Women prefer 30 – 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 – 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
  7. Bathrooms: A man has at most six items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
  8. Cats: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.
  9. Richard Gere: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
  10. Children: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
  11. Nudity In Movies: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
  12. Cheerleaders: Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and awesome. Male cheerleaders are scary.
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